I’m pretty dumb…

I like these moments where I find out just how dumb I am…

I recently realized that I’m pretty stupid. I lent a friend some money. Some. Not a lot. Not enough that stops me from paying my bills. Just enough to not eat at McDonald’s once a month. And I did not bother asking him. And it came to point where after a few months I realized Hey, did I lend him money? Does he owe me 130, I mean , some money.

Here’s the thing, you can only be either one of the two people. You can’t be a nice guy and keep asking your friends to return the money. You can either be the guy who is a friend and doesn’t ask or you be the guy who asks and is not a friend anymore.

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Hey Man! I owe you 45 bucks. Do you have 5 rupees change?

I also started wondering, does this happen to millionaires. Do they loan a couple lakh rupees and not ask since it doesn’t affect them?
Do they ever have a moment where they ask their friend, Hey, it’s okay the 4 lakhs you can give it back whenever you have it.

Musings of a under-average-common-man…

Hey! That’s not fair…

Imagine running for 90 minutes non-stop.
Imagine running for 90 mintues non-stop, in a straight line.
Imagine running for 90 mintues non-stop, in a straight line, back and forth.
Imagine running for 90 mintues non-stop, in a straight line, back and forth, without looking forward.
Imagine running for 90 mintues non-stop, in a straight line, back and forth, without looking forward, running at full pace.
Imagine running for 90 mintues non-stop, in a straight line, back and forth, without looking forward, running at full pace, noting who has the ball
Imagine running for 90 mintues non-stop, in a straight line, back and forth, without looking forward, running at full pace, noting who has the ball & whether he crossed an imaginary line, across almost 50 metres and whether he’s crossed the line when another person of his team touched the ball, and make a judgement everytime.

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The right side of a line!

That’s offside!

Imagine getting yelled at, screamed at people half your age for not doing even one of those. Imagine not doing even one of those and being held accounted for.

I think linesmen are awesome and I could never do what they do. So if next time an offside wasn’t given, I’ll just consider the option that maybe he was trying his best and couldn’t see if the player was just offside or not!

No Latecomers! I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can about the traffic…

I recently got arrested for stopping a latecomer from entering a Theatre. This is my story.

I don’t draw happiness from stopping people who’ve paid good money to watch live theatre. I don’t even judge them. I mean if you’re late doesn’t necessarily mean you’re arrogant or you care less about the performers who’ve put their heart and soul on stage.

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If you arrive late at the Theatre, and if I’m around I’ll try to make you laugh. 3 possible outcomes to this. 1. You walk away from my jokes unharmed. 2. You walk away missing the play and thinking I’m unfunny. 3 You walk away thinking Oh I missed the play but that guy isn’t too bad.

In fact when I find someone who’s late and if there’s an interval, I give them the synopsis of the first half dramatically, or as dramatic as I can get, and try to make them laugh for a bit so that they get to go in during the interval and try to catch on. That’s for normal people.

This one time a latecomer was stopped and he began to rather yell is what I heard. When I was called to deal with him, (sometimes I take a break from handling latecomers), he told me that he did not read the terms and it wasn’t clear and that we owe him a refund and an apology. I informed him about the rules and how and why latecomers are not allowed. I was being patient. Trust me the last thing you want to do is lose your cool when you’re handling a latecomer.

At one point he told me he was going to take this up with the ticketing portal giant authorities and I acknowledged that he is entitled to talk to ticketing vendor however he sees fit although I stressed on the fact that all the factors and the clauses are mentioned multiple times on the Ticketing Vendor’s website, the notification of SMS, and email. No Latecomers, No Refunds, No Transfers. He asked me write this down for him which I gracefully denied, because why would I write something down when it’s online, on SMS, on Email even on the ticket, which he could have seen if he wasn’t late.

He called the cops. He told them he was cheated and upon payment for tickets, he isn’t being allowed inside.

The cops arrived a while later, by which time the man and his wife and child who walked away to the restaurant nearby, came back.

When the question came of who was in charge, I stepped up. I notified the Directors of the Theatre about the situation which I’ve only done twice in over 2 years. Not knowing the local language fluently enough to converse about what happened, I was asked to sit in the Police jeep. I was asked if I had consumed alcohol which I denied because I don’t consume alcohol (stop judging me, I’m still pretty cool.)

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My interpretation of my image in your head when you read, I don’t drink.

I sat in the jeep. I removed the stud from my ear. While all this was going on, the Directors came down. They spoke the cops. They shamed the man who looked like an educated, cultured man for not understanding the reason for the rules and being adamant about the money that he lost upon his carelessness (Again I’m not judging him for being late.)

I sat there for 45 minutes when the fact that I should be released was being argued upon. The man and his family drove off. I was released. I came back to the office unharmed. Almost.

Why did I feel insecure all over again?
Why was I shaken up?
Why did the fact that I just sat in a Jeep and was asked to get out bother me so much?
Why did I keep thinking about it for days after this happened?

All questions aside the main question is Why did I remove the stud I was wearing? (Fades away into the distance….)

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Kachra Ghooma! Kachra Hat-Trick…

Lagaan

I’ve just watched Lagaan a few times again since I watched it as a kid and I have questions now. Questions that are starting to bother me!

Did no one else think that Lakha’s catch is the most goosebumps giving moment in the Movie? Am I the only one that gets a vibe of Yuvraj Singh when you look at Lakha?
When Deva is introduced, and bowls down Aamir Khan and says “I hate Britishers”, when asked by a britisher, what does he know, why does he say “Do baatien Memsaab?”
Did he really hate Britishers?
When Ishwar, poor old man was running mad between wickets, did no one think of a by runner for him?
Did it not occur to anyone?
When Kachra is firstly added to the team, and accepted by all, Did no one think of asking his real name?
What if his real name was Rahul?
Does he not deserve a name that shows the oppression that as a society we do in the name of caste?
After the second day of match, when we lose out best batsmen, everyone goes back and starts praying, was there no atheist in the entire group?
Also why wasn’t there an Al-Pacino, Any-Given-Sunday, or a Chak De India Shah Rukh Khan, speech moment in Lagaan?Don’t you think it was required?
Did you remember watching the ending of Lagaan?
Do you remember Amitabh Bachan’s voice?
Do you remember, Amitabh narrates what happened to everyone at the end of the film?
Why is Bhuvan’s name lost in this Do you remember what he said about Kachra?
Exactly!

Here are a few jokes…

Why was there no family shown for Kachra?
Cos Kachra

No one cares about where lives…
Cos Kachra

There’s no girl in his life, that can rejoice with him after the only hat-trick in the match..
Cos Kachra

I want to watch Lagaan from Kachra’s point of view
Untouchable
Gets accepted
Second best performer
Goes back to being untouchable
Cos INDIA

Ladies and Gentlemen Good Night!

I enjoy borderline freedom… Happy Independence Day

I enjoy borderline freedom…

Like almost enjoying watching Good Luck Chuck on Star Movies.
Like almost watching Breaking Bad, Black Mirror at home and enjoying it, soon before it changes to Zoom Music.
Like almost voicing your opinion about living by yourself and still having love for your family.
Like almost expressing the desire to coming back to an empty apartment and sinking in your bed without any movement for hours, with the knowledge that the ones you love are fine.
Like almost walking naked in your own private space.
Like almost having friends over till 2 at night, talking about random shenanigans.
Like almost explaining back home why Jimmy Carr is pretty good at what he is doing.
Like almost having sex.
Like almost finding true love regardless of cast, age and colour and having the ones you love rejoice in it.
Like almost caring for the strangers who need attention and not caring for the ones you know who don’t really make you happy.
Like almost storming into a relative’s house, stomp, krump all over the place and walk out.
Like almost opening your eyes to being good at heart and not necessarily religious.
Like almost posting a picture with a girl whose good friends with you posting it online without bother.
Like almost yelling that cards against humanity is the best game ever.
Like almost expressing the desire that an erection bothers you unless you do something about it.
Like almost crying in a movie not bothered by what other people will say.
Like almost voicing your opinion not scared that you will be taken down somehow.
Like almost telling your parents that marriage does not have to come with a deadline.
Like almost telling your parents, have faith in me, I will not do something stupid.
Like almost telling your family, I love you, but it’s my life!
Like almost saying, I’m goofy, I know I am. I like it and I would not have it any other way!

I enjoy borderline freedom.

Why you should not blog when you’re not in the mood!

I had a friend named Ed Lidosa
He Loved Ray Edcha Ni, who was a mix.
She always came with her brother named Barr,
who was so vague people would say He’s some “Barr”
The three of them loved North Indian Cuisine.
They moved to California and lived happily ever after.

Some jokes should not be made.
The above is an example of that.
Although Ed Lidosa thinks it’s funny.

Here are a few names that should exist
An accountant named Id Lidosa
A girl named Lipuri who’s someone’s Bae
A Sindhi Chinese girl named Su Laymani
An old retired Colonel named Brij
A family man named Son Yosi

I want to… err.. waste 2 minutes of yours…

I want to write a book…
A book that does not have many characters. There’s just one character throughout the book.
A book that will not, somehow, end sadly. But somehow, sadly, the book will end.
A book that will not have a sequel and may be made into a movie also written by me.

I want to write a movie….
A movie that starts with a young guy going to school and doing averagely well. He is not the hero…
A movie where there isn’t a villain. There isn’t a family drama either.
A movie where you will see a bunch of songs…

I want to write a song…
A song that has not a lot of romance in it. It’s about birth marks.
A song that touches you and if it does, you should alert your parents.
A song that will have a few poems in it.

I want to write a poem…
A poem that talks about honesty, about the truth in society.
A poem that will force you to think. Most of you.
A poem that has the texture of a cartoon.

I want to draw a cartoon…
A cartoon that you would want to share with others.
A cartoon that will be a tad bit funny, with a tinge of satire.
A cartoon that has a few jokes in it.

I want to write a joke…
A joke that starts with the lines, I want to write a book.